Oh, where to begin when talking about dating. I haven’t dated since about 1992… that is around the time I met my husband, we married in 94. So, needless to say, it’s been a while.
I will admit, I wasn’t very good at it the first time. I have always liked the activities that guys liked… so I ended up doing a lot of activities as a child with boys. Needless to say, by the time I was 18… I was good at being friends and terrible at dating. Plus I have found over the years I am an “extreme” kind of person… I either like you or don’t, I either like this activity or don’t. There is not a lot of half way with me.
So when I decided it I was ready to settle down and get married … I decided which guy I liked. So honestly, I blame the marriage on me… but the divorce on him. He could have said no, and since he didn’t he should have stepped up to the task.. he didn’t. Up until getting married … I had only dated military men or police officers (this is after high school). Yes. I will admit it.. I have a thing for the uniform. When I met my husband he also had a porche.. need I say more.
So… hopefully this gives you an idea of the kind of men I notice first …
So… flash forward 20 years… what kind of men do I like now?
Mr. Darcy aside.. he is about 14 years older than me.. yes, I know that has it’s own set of generational issues… but I’ll talk about Mr. Darcy later… since we haven’t dated, he doesn’t go in this chapter.
So…anyway, Mr. Darcy aside.. I do prefer men a few years older than me. I am very mature… I have worked since I was 14, I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 … no it wasn’t that bad.. I moved in with my grandmother, but no, she didn’t really “raise” me either.
Wow… me.. stay on though (but I find if you have all of the information you will understand better)… okay, so a few years older, taller…
Okay, side bar again.. but let’s admit it girls.. its nice to have a guy that is about 3 - 5 inches taller. Then they appear big and manly.. plus you can wear any shoes.
Okay, back to it… so around 45-49 would be okay (yikes, don’t want any 50’s yet, except Mr. Darcy… focus girl). Maybe 5’10” - 6’… at least 200 lbs. Okay, I do not like the really tall skinny guys… again, I like a manly man.. broad shoulders.. maybe Chris Helmsworth.. you know Thor… he would be a good example of the men I like. I do like dark hair and dark eyes.. kind of an italian Chris.
I do like smart… after all, I am working on my masters and then will work on my doctorate. I think smart is sexy. I do like a few wrinkles under the eyes… makes him look a little worn. A smart job, not that a construction man wouldn’t do the job, but in the long run… I need to be able to relate. You know, kind of a bourbon guy versus a beer guy. (Mr. Darcy likes bourbon… I know, focus).
Now, one final thing… I do absolutely believe that the best looking guy becomes ugly with the wrong morals and values… and the ugliest guy becomes amazingly handsome with the right morals and values… so needless to say… I need my guy to have the highest morals and values.. after all I have been a boyscout mom for 9 years… I know the kind of character I like.
I don’t think my requirements are ridiculous either. I have met me who would fit these requires, after Mr. Darcy is one of them :) yes, I have a thing for him. Well, I guess there is one final trait…. they have to accept all of me… that is the harder part.
So… dating… which we will refer to as “shopping for men” because honestly with these websites that is what it is. Okay, 80% of my communication has been on 1 site … based on certain criteria I select. 10% of my communication has been on a site based on personality and the last 10% based on a sister site to the first one based on other traits.
I have to tell you… if you are just divorced, feeling depressed, feeling alone, feeling like you want anyone to like you…. DO NOT JOIN. They are just “shopping” for women. I know a person who connected and actually got married… but I believe it is superficial and based on a need to just be married. Now, I am not saying I don’t think these sites can work… but I don’t think they work well… that is strictly my opinion.
Oh, one last thing before we begin.. I mentioned my size. I am a plus size women by clothing definition. I think I carry it pretty well… after all, I did have two children. Men should realize, not every women can get back to a size 1 after childbirth. Anyway… I mention size because of the profiles. We all have to create a profile. Let me tell you, all men think they are “athletic and toned”. I’ve seen their pictures… many are not. Now, there are some very hot looking men and of course, my first thought is… your gorgeous.. what is wrong with you that you can’t find a women … hummm. I know, that’s not fair, but honest. Okay, but all the rest of the men… 65% on the website are not what I would call “athletic and toned”. To me that is tight stomach, some definition in the chest, biceps, tight thighs (okay I need to stop or I’ll need a cold shower)… anyway that is “athletic and toned”. If you have a beer gut, can’t do a push up or a sit up… but your not heavy… men… you are “about average”. I’m not saying anything is wrong with that. Mr. Possibility is “about average”… you’re just not athletic and toned. If you’re wondering.. yes, you can see what body type they assign themselves and what they want from their perfect connection. They ALL want “athletic and toned”. Men.. if she is really that hot and normal… she is probably not single. duh
Finally one last comment… on their profiles… all men like to cook, drink wine, love to snuggle in front of a fire… please, if that were true they wouldn’t be single. Many men also… LOVE TO camp, mountain bike, swim, and run. They love to travel and go to exotic locations with their special someone and most of all.. they love to vacation at the beach. Ladies, if you can’t tell… that is their shopping list.. you have to love to do camping, biking, hiking and running and be “athletic and toned”. Of course for it.. they might cook you dinner… hum (fyi.. they love to cook, doesn’t specify whether they can or not). Okay, one final comment… again… where are the men who like the mountains… there is more than just life at the beach …guess what, Mr. Darcy hates the beach :)
Um, where was I… so let’s call the men “item” and I’ll use their first initial of their first name (in most cases I don’t know their last name). This way I protect myself from embarrassment.
So let’s start with my very first connection from the last site I mentioned above. It’s a site where you say yes.. then you wait for them to say yes (or vice versa)… then you can play a game or two and then talk.
Item A - he was cute in a cuddly bear kind of way. He started playing the stupid computer question games and then.. just stopped. Yep.. he disappeared. That is the problem with the sites… you think you have a connection and then boom.. their gone.
Honestly on that site… that is the same story repeated a few more times, nothing worth talking about… I closed the account. I decided to go to the site where I communicated 80% of the time. Funny thing is.. I saw many of the same men on this other site Hee Hee. Guess… they weren’t successful on the first site either.
Side bar… I have to say… Men… think about the picture you put up.. if you look like an immature frat boy.. we won’t like you, if you look like a crazy stalker… we won’t like you. Does it not occur to you to get a good pic??
Okay, so this is where I have done 80% of my communication. It is based on criteria we pick like age, demographic, job, income, race, religion, etc. Like I said, a shopping list. The site will “connect” you with people who have close the same criteria and you can again say yes or no. I have no’d over 500 men… so when I do talk about men and their choices, I recognize I am also very picky and am quick to discount a connection. The creepy part of this site is…there is an open search area where you can look for anyone… I have had men say hi to me from Hawaii. Now, I’m not a prude, but I think traveling from VA to HI is a bit much for a date. I can’t say I like the idea that men all over the country are looking at my picture… yuck… in any case.. in two weeks my membership is up and I’m letting it expire. I want to meet someone the old fashioned way, after all.. Mr. Possibility and I didn’t really have a connection until we actually met….and we didn’t meet because of the site. Are you proud, I didn’t say Mr. Darcy, but I’ll be honest, I was thinking of him.
Item J - his picture was cute, although he was post military.. I know, I should have stayed away. Anyway, we met for lunch. Now.. he worked nights and I worked days, I was okay with this, the point is.. I was meeting for lunch during a week day. I thought it was the perfect plan because I had an exit strategy. Well.. he took FOREVER to order lunch. He couldn’t find the ONE item on the menu he wanted. I waited and waited. Oh.. his picture… was cute.. about 5 years ago when it was taken.. he had aged a bit in the 5 years. He was 49. Anyway… then, he ordered an alcoholic drink… 2 things I didn’t like about this.. first ..IT’S LUNCH… second, I’m not a big drinker anyway… so to see him order a drink at lunch.. I was about done. Oh, I didn’t mention, I had given him my phone number after we chatted a couple days. DON’T EVER DO THIS… I learned. After lunch he texted, then he called. The next morning he texted. Okay, I’ll admit I like the attention for about 3 days… was then WAY over it. Had to block him from the site and then my phone. All I can say is lesson’s learned.
Item J.2 - Okay, I shouldn’t judge others physically… as I’ve said, I’m not anything close to gorgeous, but okay, J.2 was kind of goofy looking. No, it’s wasn’t ugly, just kind of dorky..well, let me clarify… the picture on his website was. He has about 8 pics and they range from about 8 years ago to about a year ago. I think honestly he has actually improved with age. I still don’t get why men insist on displaying pictures of themselves from years ago… I mean come on. So, ladies… if you use one of these type of sites.. watch for the man who in his profile talks about “loving to spend time with my teen”, but the picture he displays is a man with a 10 year old. All I have to say is WARNING.. he is not an upfront kind of guy.
Needless to say, I did meet J.2. He was about 5’8” and with shoes on and he seemed not much taller than me and I’m 5’6”. So… is he really 5’8”?? Again, maybe another lie, in any case, there goes the high heels. Okay, one last item… he is a cop. My ex was a cop. I know I know… don’t say it… I should know better. In any case, after a few conversations he seemed too much like “been there done that”.
Item B - Two issues, first, I hate the way he styles his hair. He combs it straight back over his head. He has a full head of hair but it’s almost an old man style. He is 49 yrs. One other tidbit… he’s only 5’9”. Well, that is better than 5’8” and I could wear a pump and men and women can be the same height. It’s just … I’m not really feeling it, but at this point, a girl friend suggested if nothing else, I am practicing to meet people.
We start chatting via email and he tells me what kind of a great guy he is, how his ex moved away (she had a child) and she moved to live near her ex so that their child could see both parents. He’s now broke from it because he was practically supporting her. So far it’s just blah blah blah. As we chat he continues to tell me how nice he is, how important his job is and wants us to meet but he is a stand up guy and will wait until I am ready. I’m really nervous about him and not really feeling it… at all. But, it could still be a date to practice meeting guys.
I end up being busy for several day with kid stuff, but he suggests several times we meet up for a quick lunch. He tells me which gym he goes to so if I see him I can say hello (because I mention in my profile I work out). I finally give in and tell him I could do lunch and then he ended up being busy that day. He told me its okay, he would rather use have plenty of time to meet and not rush, so we should find a better time…and then continues to tell me how good a guy he is.
At this point I’m about done… still chatting with Item J.2 and a couple other random guys. I can’t take it any more… they are all freaks and I feel like every person I see in the grocery store and the gym is someone I have seen on line. I need a break for a week from “shopping”.
Okay, it’s been a couple weeks. I go back on line… and forget that means they can see me. Almost instantly B emails. He reminds me he is a great guy and I would probably have a good time with him.
I tell him I met someone and am only online to close my account. Good luck B.
Item - B.2 - He seems like a nice guy. He has two daughters both in high school.. so there is the problem.. he is just as busy as I am. Okay, I have to say too… he runs. Like he is always training for a marathon. Runners are really kind of skinny.. as I have mentioned, I’m not in to skinny men… so although B.2 seems nice.. I’m not really feelin it. Our conversations slowly go from every other day, to every 4th day.. to once a week.. to none. Good bye.
Item C - also know as cigar man.. because of what he does for a living. Anyway… He is very chatty in email. He likes to ramble which is nice.. however, after a week of it…I’m running out of things to say. Again, I refuse to share too much information with someone I have never met. Finally we set a time to meet for coffee. We meet later in the evening which is nice, I was able to take care of dinner for my kids. That is the one thing men don’t seem to get, if they want to go out to dinner with me, I still have to get dinner for my kids. Anway, when he arrives the place is actually packed and I don’t feel like sitting and staring at another stranger so I ask him if he wants to go outside and walk. He agrees. We walk outside and start to talk about some of our conversations. The weather is perfect outside so we sit down at a bench. It’s quiet but we’re not alone, so it’s comfortable. He seems like a nice guy but then asks me about school.
Here is the big debate… do I lie and just say I’m studying technology or social work or something people don’t care about .. that way I won’t have to deal with the look later… but then I have to explain why I lied in the beginning and is that a way to start a friendship. Well, I go for it.. the truth… I tell him I am studying counseling.. he asks me if I’m analysizing him… I laugh it off … but I’m thinking.. you moron.. I wasn’t but now I am.
He tells me he didn’t complete his associate degree… that is okay, not everyone needs to go to college. We finish chatting and it’s late.. I have to go. He walks me to my car. The next day I email him that I had a nice time. I think that is polite. He emails me back and is still chatty. In the end, he tells me I am the smartest person he knows. Really.. he says it’s a compliment.. I don’t feel complimented.
The next week he is supposed to go on vacation, but shares that he might not be able to because he is broke. He had to make a large payment and it wiped him out. Not really what I want to hear, but I say something positive like hopefully he can find something fun to do locally. You know.. just adapt and move on. He can’t.. in his next couple emails that is all he talks about. Later he emails me he made it.. found a way to pay for it. Really.. how.. did he go into debt just to pay for a trip to the beach. Blah… We had been talking about the move The Avengers.. I am a big fan… he says he “might” see it. While on vacation he says he goes during the day when the theater is empty… “it wasn’t bad”. Really… Really… dude..you are a moron.. the movie was AMAZING. And who wants to see an AMAZING movie in a quiet theater. He is not the guy for me.
Item J.5 - Mr. Possibility - well… Mr. Possibility is a boy scout dad… we have met a couple times. Chatted a couple times. Have talked about grabbing lunch together. But so far.. he has been too busy with a new project. Do you know what this tells me.. either he is a workaholic …and I don’t want that. Or.. he cannot be honest and just say.. I’m not interested. We’ll see.. if he does ask me out later.. once his project is over.. I’ll know where his priorities are. He is “to be continued…”
Okay, these are some of the men at the last website. This website connects people based on a lot of criteria. I will say, I think it’s somewhat accurate, but it doesn’t take into account. If we are both “workaholics”… we won’t ever have time to meet. Or, if we both put kids first, we won’t have time to do anything else. I have learned there is something to be said for not being too much a like.
Item J.3 - first, I don’t know what it is about “J” items. I haven’t yet figured out if that is a warning and the fates telling me that one day it will be the right one.
Did I say it already, but Mr. Darcy is a J as well.
Anyway, J.3 wasn’t too bad, but kind of goofy looking too. I will say from the neck down he was nice … nice build, nice biceps with tattoos but not too gaudy. Okay, but J.3 was blonde hair and blonde eyebrows. He was very pale and had a goofy smile. One of his pics online had him wearing a silly hat that he wore low to push down his ears and then he had a goofy smile. Its hard to get past that, but I decided not everyone can take a great pictures. He did have some pics that weren’t too bad.
We chatted on line a few weeks as again, I was very busy with kid stuff and couldn’t just meet. I found one of my downfalls was my ex’s lack of activity with my children made it difficult to have a free night. Anyway, then I had to go out of town for a week, but chatted while I was away and we planned to meet when I returned.
Now, I was completely exhausted, had final meetings that morning and then finally left, had to stop for lunch and drove for 2 hrs. Got home with an hour to spare and tried to freshen up real quick. I had a tight window of time as I actually had a kid activity of my own to be at by 5:30pm. We meet at 4pm. I beat him to the diner and while I was there I was checking my phone for emails or texts. He emailed me asking me if I could push back the time due to his kid event, but if I didn’t respond he would be there. I felt bad I didn’t check my emails, but hey… he knew I was in meetings and then on the road. I was exhausted and barely awake when he arrived. He was nice and not too goofy looking in person. We chatted a bit and he asked how long I had been divorced. That was a common theme a lot of them ask… how long and why. I guess they are trying to see if I will bad mouth my ex in public and what my complaint is so if they do that.. they already know I won’t like it. I don’t really ever take the bate. I speak generically. I figure detail information is for someone I’m dating, not someone I’m meeting.
Let’s see, we chatted for the hour, it wasn’t bad, but it was like an interview. At 5pm though he said he had to go, had to pick up his son. I said no problem, I also had to be at a kid event. Walked me to my car and said it was nice meeting. I felt a bit like I was escorted out of a job, but it was okay. It didn’t click for me either. Plus I will always have it in my head he was goofy looking in that pic.
I don’t think men really think about the pictures they display.
Item J.4 - He seemed really nice. We chatted quite a bit, but he his work kept him travelling a lot. When he was in town he was spending time with his son. So, after about 8 weeks of chatting, between his schedule and mine… we still could never find a time to go out. Needless to say, communication with him finally stopped.
I don’t know what I would do in his shoes.. when he went into his field, he was married, so raising a child probably didn’t seem like a bad idea, but as a single parent .. he never minded the mom, so not sure if she is around or not… but I can’t image how he will ever get into a relationship. I think he must not be really ready, otherwise he would make the time.
Okay.. side note… is it wrong to want to have sex with a co-worker. Okay, I know it is.. but this guy is totally funny, cute, and matches my personality… I would so sleep with him. Well, he is married … but do I care… okay, yes in some reality I do care… but not in this one. NO COMMENTS.. I’m being honest. I guess it’s good we work via IM and Email and we are not physically in the same state. Just saying…